18 highlights
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Regret is a very common negative emotional experience, driven by thoughts of what might have happened if one had behaved differently in the past.
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A typical feature of regret is self-blame over making the ‘wrong’ choice, whether it was doing something that you now believe you shouldn’t have done, or not doing something that you now think you should have. Some regrets are mild and fleeting and, as such, do not cause much heartache. But it’s possible to be haunted by regret – consumed by self-reproach, sadness, and a sense of loss over what you could have had.
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As the psychologist Barry Schwartz has explained, an initial increase of choice often leads to greater satisfaction, but the effect can reverse as the number of options expands. People who try to fail-safe their choices by thoroughly considering all the alternatives before making a decision may, paradoxically, experience more regret afterwards.
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Research indicates that, since the late 1980s in the US, Canada and the United Kingdom, people have become less forgiving of their own and others’ mistakes, while also increasingly believing that others will judge them harshly for their lack of perfection. Regret is likely to balloon in such an environment.
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Regret has also been linked to anxiety, self-criticism, shame, and sleep problems. It often involves rumination and obsessive thinking. If you are spinning in circles, going over what you did wrong again and again, and not sharing it with anyone, you’re likely to get mired in the pernicious quicksand of regret.
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When harnessed skilfully, however, regret can increase the likelihood of psychological growth. Regret can prompt you to reflect on your behaviour, to learn which sorts of behaviour work well and which don’t, and thus to improve yourself in the long run.
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When one avoids, denies or minimises negative emotional experiences, they tend to come back with a vengeance. So, the first task is to counter the very human tendency to run away from the experience of regret.
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Consider all the ways you might be using technology, entertainment, food, drink, drugs or other diversions to distract from the pain or discomfort of regret. Then, if a moment comes when you catch yourself turning to any of these as an escape from your feelings, do something different: pause, and open up to all the physical sensations in your body and everything that is going on in your mind.1
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Emotions and thoughts associated with regret can serve as important sources of information about what you want to stand for in this world and how a specific behaviour might have violated that. The only way you can learn from regret is to fully experience it first.
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In trying to accept the feelings of regret, however, it’s important not to get derailed by circular overthinking. You might be inclined to ruminate and obsess
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In many instances of regret, it becomes clear that one has acted in a way that hurt someone else. Approaching rather than avoiding regret can enable you to recognise any harm you might have caused, and to make amends if possible.
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It is important to recognise that some people will not forgive you, and that it is still worth asking for forgiveness – because you can control only your actions. You will likely be able to sleep better at night knowing that you did your part.
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For many of us, the go-to response to having done something that we later regret is to beat ourselves up. The self-criticism is often harsh and relentless.
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Put your actions in context. Keep in mind that many internal and external factors likely affected your decision to act in a later-regretted way. It is easy to fall prey to focalism – a term used to describe the human tendency to focus only on one cause at the exclusion of all others. Even if you made a mistake that is worth owning up to, what happened might not have been completely your fault.
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Once you have started to accept your feelings of regret, made amends (if pertinent), and soothed yourself, you are ready to explore some helpful reframing of the position in which you find yourself now.
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Ask yourself: Given what I’ve done and regretted, what can I still do that is consistent with who I want to be as a person?
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Attempt to find silver linings in your current situation. Is there anything that is better because you made the choice you now regret?
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When we feel regret, the natural tendency is to hide, physically or psychologically. Unlike negative emotions that stem from bad luck or untoward actions by other people (which we love to share), emotions such as guilt, humiliation or shame – all of which commonly coincide with regret – are often kept secret. But opening up and sharing your regret can lessen its impact and, as a bonus, may bring you closer to other people.
Footnotes
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Really good advice! Also, it is things like technology and food that one turns to for avoiding the discomfort if not mindful ↩